“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a committed relationship.” – Unknown

“I don’t need anger management, I just need people to stop pissing me off.” – Unknown

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.” – Unknown

“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.” – Unknown

“I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.” – Unknown

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.” – Unknown

“I can resist everything, except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

“The only thing I’m committed to right now is avoiding commitments.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“I don’t make mistakes, I create opportunities to learn.” – Unknown

“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin 60TH ANNIVERSARY FUNNY QUOTES

“If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” – Unknown

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown

“Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.” – Unknown

“I think I’m allergic to mornings.” – Unknown

“I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.” – Unknown

“I don’t need a personal trainer, I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hand.” – Unknown

“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, right?” – Unknown

“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.” – Unknown

“I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.” – Unknown

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” – Douglas Adams

“I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown

“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

“My doctor told me that I’m allergic to nonsense. He said that’s why I break out in sarcasm sometimes.” – Unknown