WWW FUNNY QUOTES AND SAYINGS

“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“I’m not a smart aleck, I’m just sarcastic beyond belief.” – Unknown

“Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” – Steve Wozniak

“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” – Unknown

“I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.” – Unknown

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” – Steven Wright

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips

“The only time a woman wishes that she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.” – Mary Marsh

“I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said, ‘Go ahead, knock yourself out.'” – Unknown BEST KEVIN MCCALLISTER QUOTES

“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” – Unknown

“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it like five or six times, just to be sure.” – Unknown

“I don’t believe in astrology; I am a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

“The hardest part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just weird.” – Unknown

“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.” – Unknown

“I’m not clumsy. It’s just that the floor hates me, the tables and chairs attack me, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown

“I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastination.” – Unknown

“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown

“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.” – Unknown

“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.” – Unknown

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.” – Unknown

“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Unknown

“My goal in life is to become as happy as a person in a pharmaceutical commercial.” – Unknown