FUNNY SPICY QUOTES

“I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room? Exactly.”

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”

“I’m not clumsy, the floor just hates me. The table and chairs are bullies too.”

“I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode.”

” My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.”

“I never make the same mistake twice — I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”

“I should get a job cleaning mirrors; it’s something I can really see myself doing.”

“My patience is as thin as my phone’s battery life.”

“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”

“I’m not addicted to coffee, we’re just in a very committed relationship.”

“If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted… wait, where was I going with this?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the volume of my awesomeness.”

“I’m currently experiencing life at the rate of 15 WTFs per hour.” LAO TZU QUOTES ABOUT SELF

“Despite my busy schedule, I always find time to do absolutely nothing.”

“I put the ‘fun’ in dysfunction.”

“The only exercise I do is running out of patience.”

“I don’t need anger management, I just need people to stop annoying me.”

“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”

“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.”

“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”

“The trouble with trouble is that it starts as fun.”

“I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.”

“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”

“The best things in life are free, the second-best are very expensive.”

“I don’t have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.”